Living a life between love and lust , an intricate web of emotions that I have weaved

to make complex designs and intricate patterns.

In the humdrum of monotony I have lost my soul , my voice and my identity

Oscillating between the duties of life and carnal desires I’ve lost the true meaning of what I want .

What I am and Where I am….

Idealistic I wanted to be so much more than what I have been reduced to live.

I wanted to change the world wanted to be a full bodied intellectual making significant contributions to the world that I see.

What I want and crave is for something to die for.......

Some ideology to live for , to fight for some cause and to be so consumed with it that I see nor hear anything else but the echo of that one thing, that I want to live and die for…

no its not love nor a new boyfriend ….

Its something more profound and selfless…..

I just watched hazaron kwahishein….

It’s a beautiful and poignant I can so relate to that nope not the famine and struggle

but the fight and struggle the thirst to believe in something

make a change that you want to see .

I have always been fascinated by such ideologies I feel I’m here to do something like that

join the naxalite struggle ,start a rebellion, form a revolution.

Only thing is I don’t have must to ado much to believe in.

Nothing of my idealism is left after graduation.

All those endless hours of argument of India and her future,

religion and politics those heated arguments of what I think of what I dream……

That line

Hazaaron khwaahishen aisi ke har khwaahish pe dum nikle

A thousand dreams such that to fulfill each of those dreams I almost give my life !

Beautiful .

Will I find that spark that I hunt ?

Will I pay heed to that call ?

Will I find my peace , meaning , desire and destiny ….

Finally will I just live on or truly exist , respire not breathe percieve and not just see. Listen and not just hear,

Will I live the dramatic life that I always wanted .

Why art thou distracted , disturbed spend sleepless nights ?

O when , O when will these thing not elude me …

I want something that will not allow me to sleep , something that will stir emotions high and dreams respite .

I want something that will make me live something that I could die doing and die for !

Hazaaron khwaahishen aisi ke har khwaahish pe dum nikle

Summer days !

Its summer !

The time when grasshoppers work in a frenzy flowers bloom aplenty 

Holiday vacations are planned and ice creams cream are darned !

Every year we would so yearningly wait for these two months after

 final exams and yet when it began we'd get bored already !

My parents would plan which camp I should join this year and 

I'd plan which holiday destination I'd like to travel to while day dreaming !

Mango pickles and jack fruits in the afternoon

Ice creams and jelly cooking adventures at home

treasure hunts and dark rooms games in the evening 

ghost ghost kitchen set teacher teacher ! 

Cousins and aunties visiting home 

and Old Grandma tales of talking gods and morals 

Of Life's and its mystic ways and god who's always watching at bay .

Lots of television but lot more of sand castles and lock and key .

Hide an seek and denner on the back 

Oh how I wish our childhood games would come back !

Of climbing trees and scraping knees 

Of early morning jogs and swimming laps

Of whistling lanes and cycling through by lanes

Of cream and chocolate and lots of mangoes .

Of screaming afternoons and late evening strolls 

Summer reminds me of all this and more !

Poems and stories written to pass time

Planes and boxes made in paper

flower picking and finger licking 

All in all a fantastic summer afresh for the new class ! 

Back to reality : Its 43 degrees in Ahmd exams hovering 

boredom seizures and adult treachery

Is this what I've grown up for ????

Summer Days ... are long gone !