Living a life between love and lust , an intricate web of emotions that I have weaved

to make complex designs and intricate patterns.

In the humdrum of monotony I have lost my soul , my voice and my identity

Oscillating between the duties of life and carnal desires I’ve lost the true meaning of what I want .

What I am and Where I am….

Idealistic I wanted to be so much more than what I have been reduced to live.

I wanted to change the world wanted to be a full bodied intellectual making significant contributions to the world that I see.

What I want and crave is for something to die for.......

Some ideology to live for , to fight for some cause and to be so consumed with it that I see nor hear anything else but the echo of that one thing, that I want to live and die for…

no its not love nor a new boyfriend ….

Its something more profound and selfless…..

I just watched hazaron kwahishein….

It’s a beautiful and poignant I can so relate to that nope not the famine and struggle

but the fight and struggle the thirst to believe in something

make a change that you want to see .

I have always been fascinated by such ideologies I feel I’m here to do something like that

join the naxalite struggle ,start a rebellion, form a revolution.

Only thing is I don’t have must to ado much to believe in.

Nothing of my idealism is left after graduation.

All those endless hours of argument of India and her future,

religion and politics those heated arguments of what I think of what I dream……

That line

Hazaaron khwaahishen aisi ke har khwaahish pe dum nikle

A thousand dreams such that to fulfill each of those dreams I almost give my life !

Beautiful .

Will I find that spark that I hunt ?

Will I pay heed to that call ?

Will I find my peace , meaning , desire and destiny ….

Finally will I just live on or truly exist , respire not breathe percieve and not just see. Listen and not just hear,

Will I live the dramatic life that I always wanted .

Why art thou distracted , disturbed spend sleepless nights ?

O when , O when will these thing not elude me …

I want something that will not allow me to sleep , something that will stir emotions high and dreams respite .

I want something that will make me live something that I could die doing and die for !

Hazaaron khwaahishen aisi ke har khwaahish pe dum nikle