Its all for me - Written a long time ago

The School outside my window lays desolate
Its Navratri holidays...

Coldplay sings telling me the stars shine for me
Yes that what I feel like ...
That the sun beckons me from slumber every morning
the rains wait ready to pour down as soon as i enter shelter
life pauses for me to take a breath and head back inside
All that happens is befitting and special

But evereytime its comes into mind it jades all the beauty
distorts reality and lulls me back into time .....
now the past seems distant but its still there somewhere in shadows
before I begin to understand what I feel
Im back in the moment of now
of how my life is at present and how it still is beautiful as I envisioned and how at peace I feel whenever I think of thee

It is in now that I live in and I love what I feel now

Like a flowing river that starts its journey from a source  flows down crossing pebbles & stones, banks and boulders,  they  navigate her to build dams stagnating her momentarily  yet she finds a way to flow down  to the valley in pursuit of that magic that beckons and allures leading her to cross lands and hills……..

Learning to trust and love again is like that following river even all that transpires through her course she traverses to reach the vast ocean to where she belongs and where she continues to be perennial.

It is in now that I live in and I love what I feel now

A glorious monsoon morning

This morning the ride to office was so pleasant
Grey skies , befitting breeze
The birds chirping and vehicular honking were music to the ears
With a song on my lips I was nodding my head sideways and riding along the lanes
It wasn’t just the weather there’s a latent zest in the morning!

As I look outside my office window
I watch the pigeons playfully nibble at each other
Notice the flowers abloom in yellow and orange hue
Feel the gleeful tilting tree breeze whisper sweet nothings into my ears
It’s not just the sighting there’s a latent yearning in the morning!

As I close my eyes my thoughts go back and forth
To the smiles giggles , snuggles and cuddles
Silence of the chaos, moments of calm
Ravenous, passionate, frenzied, rushed and slow at the same time
It’s not just the memory there’s something about the thrill of what lies ahead of this morning!

From me to You

To think that the beguiled and hopeless
foray aimlessly believing that never again they'd
trust and give in to the matters of the heart !

Never would they recover to believe in beautiful sunsets
Never will they want to get drunk and act mad
Never will they love so deeply for they have been scared and their wounds afresh.

In you came into my reverie breaking all the resolve to never
Making me believe in the promise of romance
Coercing me to trust again
To Laugh and smile feel and believe
To live it up !

For your persistence I wanted to believe in red roses and love songs
For candle lit wine and dine
For your love I wanted to love back in return
For your belief I give in to believe in it again !

Half a decade of friendship a promise of togetherness
The thought that I'd never be able to pick up the phone and say you know what ...
The feeling of being out alone in the cold an not having anyone to crib to
The possibility of ageing and not having you to talk to
Is enough for me to throw away all my inhibitions and follow you
to a land of promise and happiness

I'm saying I'm ready to feel love again .
I'm ready to look at the stars and believe they shine for me
To believe in the eternal sunset of your spotless mind :)

Inebriate

Exhilarated I await for moments to pass,

Lost in thought I lapse out or reverie,

To find I’m but in the same spot transfigured and lost,

I need no direction nor no guidance,

I transverse above and beyond,

Gust and gales shake and break,

Paint, splash and reverberate,

Through them all I shall remain standing tall.

What to make of it

The restless spirit never tires
Time and again coerce to retire
Unyielding it rewinds all those memories
That blind, sting and enclose
a time warp with no begin nor end.

Oscillating between pleasure and pain
I hold on and let go to remain sane
Immersed in delusion chase the stationary
that tempts and beckons entangles and ruins.

Finding way through the labyrinth I'm sucked to the abyss
Dismal in doom I crawl and crouch to light
It flashes across and leads to noiseless interception
Secluded in self affliction a point of deception .

Thoughts navigate through.... saturate and scatter Images play silent havoc
its all in the mind twirl the smoke and regain


{PS: In an attempot to divert from work I cant seem to judge this !}

Hold on .. Let go

Tis was mother's day on Sunday and I wished my mum gifted her a few flowering plants thought I'd make up for past misbehavior and over the top loafing spree

When I entrusted the plants to her I Said "Amma you have sown the seeds of knowledge , good thoughts and values . Let the plant blossom into a flowering tree, Don't trim it and limit its freedom . You have given it the essentials of sunlight and water let it grow away from your shade"

In all her wisdom and that twinkle in her eye she replied "Chickoo if I let the plant grow without proper care it shall grow hay wire and weeds will get entangled in it.What could be a beautiful flowering tree will look like an ordinary shrub , hence the light in my shade will make it grow stronger" .
I had nothing to say but smiled knowingly that's why they say I'm my mother's girl !

I remember when a few years ago when one of my friend's younger sister happened to be dating someone we both were scandalized and talked about it endlessly and No its not about the guy its about the fact that three yrs back when we were her age we didn't have one !
After talking about it for over an hour we just paused and heard ourselves did we just say "she's too young!" . For someone who's apparently from the same generation we didn't really approve of her young sister's dating just imagine our parents!

No sooner the thought struck our minds we fell silent understanding that mum's in their innate strength just know whats happening in out life and try as we may we cant really fool moms !

When I recollected this incident again I realized that how much we hold on to and how much we let go is independent of the person we are with its more to do about the role we play - Friend,mother,sister,girl friend....
With certain friends I generally coax them to go and explore, fall and learn for themselves. When they ask me for my opinions I ask them to go all out keeping a look out to see if they need my help. With few I'm super protective always warning them time and again, being hawk like and keeping trouble at bay !

In our desire to protect we often alienate. Everyone needs to learn from their follies and failings but more often than not we cant bear to see another repeating the same mistakes that we did hence all the free advice !

Recently my doting family friend who's a good five years younger,who solicits my advice from hairstyles to college admissions, told me that her parents know that she's dating someone and they have already met him !
Quite taken aback I just began to wonder if I'd ever have the guts to do that !
Its a different thing that I haven't really found the person who I could tell my parents about ..but still !

I just heard myself saying "Moni are you guys serious ??"
Now I don't know what did that make me look like but certainly she taught me something that day !
After a satisfactory answer I let the issue drop but I was perturbed should I ask her to hold on to her innocence or must I let her go to explore the world and spread her wings. Its a tough call ! nonetheless Amma's words resonate
You can grow in the light of my shade

PS: Happy Mother's day Amma ! thank god you dont know that I blog ! Would be a great deal of explaining if you read all the posts .

Vokay !!! Tis time to update

Well I really was procrastinating this updating UNTIL
I received a mail from my grand uncle who somehow
found my blog stopped by and mailed me to update my blog
Second shock was Ranjith told amudha ( i haven't spoken to either for at least a year!) about my latest blog entry ...
Hmmm and I thought No one reads my blog !
Flattering actually but not this time the previous blog wasn't exactly very pleasant .

Anyways I need to add this disclaimer I generally write quite dramatically most of the posts here may or may not have happened its just the writer's figment of hyper imagination or boredom !

Now that its done !

I'm no longer unemployed but I'm liking this as much cause first salary should be coming in a day or two ;)
Sitting at home for three months I've been really occupied doing a plethora of things. Gender sexuality debates and discussion to some soul searching particular person bashing sessions ! Dance, drama, literature and cooking , travel and writing have all existed contributing differed hues to the past three months !
I felt very alive in these months much more than my extremely adventurous life at MICA .
I felt real I guess I existed as an independent individual unattached to college or hostel, people nor friends , events nor exams, more attached to the 'moment of doing'.

So in the 'moment of doing' I have done some bit of harm actually I quite liked it !
I did go through a breakup. It was a real‘relationship’ we were fooling ourselves & when things started to take a serious turn, like all true self respecting commitment freaks, we started to withdraw ourselves. Like all contracts we had an expiry date as it neared we clung on more and didnt want to let go. Then one fine day We agreed on a mutual ‘breakup’. After several attempts that failed we said we'll be good friends forever * yeah I am 24 and he is 27 yrs old !*
Much ado with all those promises and oaths I will never ever hurt you and look at another etc etc it wasn't all nice.He moved on too fast , too quick with too much fanfare and noise ! I did all the mud slinging at him !
From Weeping to cursing and lots of ego boosting and X bf bashing !
Whew ! I finally feel fine :)

After thought: I was certainly on a different trip this time ! Tis vokay but :) we are allowed to mis behave once in a while shout & scream after all its matters of the heart or so I'd like to believe !

Disclaimer : Misbehavior includes slapping and punching on the streets until the opponent has to flee ! the other men pls think again before trial and certainly zero tolerance for errors !