Uncomfortably numb'ed

Well I know I love writing in retro mood tis shall be yet another such post .

My hiatus from blogging happened due to lack of inspiration I presumed but I guess it happened cause I drowned myself in a happiness that began as our own and ended in misery for my own !

I was lost in a world of love and promise that life is perfect.
Forgetting that me the cynic never believed in such things in the first place.

The past year 2008 October to Dec 2009 was one the best times of my life.

Well obviously I wanted to write and keep a record but it was so action packed and fast and exciting I realised I must just bask in its glory and keep recordings for later !
Hence the Diary lays empty ....
Blog lays desolate........ but the laptop filled with images from all over ....

From Drunken stupor madness to hair raising adventure madness :)

It was amazing !

I am at a loss of words to describe my MICA experience, so many moments to cherish, so many memories to carry, so many lessons learnt
and so much love received and given.

All my writing was limited to love letters and some forcible essays from colleagues for assignments !
But my writing and understanding saw a focal change when I worked on my dissertation I gave it my all for 2 months I ate, drank , slept culture studies gender and sexuality !
In the end it felt good :) It was so satisfying that it shaped up beautifully !
mentor and panel well pleased and I super high about doing it well :)

Through the period of one year I am surprised and actually amused now ....

How did I ?
How did I cease to be Keerthana and adorned a girl friend
hat so easily and for so long ?
How did I loose my self identity ?
How come I hardly got angry with ppl even when they were highly annoying ?
How did I let him take over my life ?
How did I give in to the matters of the heart ?
How did I believe him so blindly ?
How did I follow him so faithfully ?
How could I Love so selflessly ?

The last questions daunts me the most and the answer is not something I want to know right now.

Of all the things on earth how could I give so much ..... give so much that its left me with nothing now ... so much emotions so much commitment so much passion so much dedication ... why haven't I ever seen that side of me earlier ?
I guess as corny as it sounds I was in love .... wonder if its that though !

I'm glad I felt pain ... in a sadistic way I enjoyed it ..
Denying myself of intoxication to forget it ... kept punctuating the pain so that it remains and the memories make me writhe in loathe and finally one day I discard it
to begin a new journey to destinations unexplored.

I guess its working . I am numb now ... to the pain..
to the memories that I cherish they still make me smile in a strange longing way...
I cannot feel my alarming weight loss ... depression... tears...helplessness....
I am numb to all that he says and does...
I and he together are nothing ....
non existent... period.

Its over !

A vague sense of relief ... like a calm after the storm....
a slight headache after too much alcohol I feel like that! as if its happened it has passed and its over yet something is left behind...
a piece of my mind
the peace of my heart .

Innocence lost .... beliefs shaken...ideals questioned and self respect compromised I am in a juncture where everything around me looks hazy and clear at the same time.
I have to move on . I will move on...Will I ever be the same again after that ?

Halo ... halo...
Is there anybody in there
Just thought if you could hear me..
Is there anybody ?
Come on I hear you feeling down I can ease your pain and put you on your feet again.
Relax I need some information first.
Just the basic facts can you show me where it hurts.....

There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon
You are only coming through in waves
Your lips move but I cant hear what you say ..........

This is not how I am
I.... have become comfortably numb ! floyd your god!

Im back...

Well I was obsessing about how to re launch my life
in its wide spectrum of shades .... dance ... career...my dramatic personal life ...
I planned I would take a whole day to ramble about all that's been happening.

Inspirations ..... Idiocracy
Depression desperation
love... pain.... hope.... fear.......
Beguiled and naive I pranced around thinking that certain
things would never happen to me.
Ironically all the never will happen list seems to be quite expansive and most of them are ticked for they have happened.

Ever since New Year I'm caught in a whirlwind of emotions
laughing and crying in the same minute ....
cursing, loathing regretting within that same minute.

Impulsive, brash and stupid have I been to chase a dream that now stops to seem as perfect and rosy tinted as I assumed it to be.
A dream is a your version of reality and Im thinking that certainly is not the version !


The past one and half months have brought out the feminine side
of me that I never knew existed (the tolerance , patience , fighting woman spirit,acceptance , stupidity,loosing control)
It has also brought the completely erratic streak (ya that crazy trip ! an adventure tale) that I feared was dormant ...

I felt the blows of depression ... of irritation and hopelessness but
somehow I just knew that its not going to last...
and I kept telling myself that this too shall pass......

It has passed.

I have survived yet again .
I am sure I will be happy .
I will learn to live and love,
Learn to be mad and wild yet again,
I will learn to trust and believe ,
Learn to forget and forgive !

I am almost there .... almost through the process of mortification (or whatever!)

Cant help but smile when I think of 3 idiots all izz well all izz well!!! lol :)

Sometimes stupidity and silly things seem to be the best
way to deal with blows and falls.

I have to say that it has been yet another
learning lesson in the narrative of my life .

And I'm glad it happened else I would have never known what not being happy felt like .... I would have never felt all these emotions that stir and move ...that make you weep and sigh !
Thanks Babuly for adding a different hue to my life ...
I have been gifted shades anew ...

This has only made me stronger and soon I will happier :)

PS: To all my friends who have helped me through this ... mmmwah loweee you loads :)