Exhilarated I await for moments to pass,
Lost in thought I lapse out or reverie,
To find I’m but in the same spot transfigured and lost,
I need no direction nor no guidance,
I transverse above and beyond,
Gust and gales shake and break,
Paint, splash and reverberate,
Through them all I shall remain standing tall.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
What to make of it
The restless spirit never tires
Time and again coerce to retire
Unyielding it rewinds all those memories
That blind, sting and enclose
a time warp with no begin nor end.
Oscillating between pleasure and pain
I hold on and let go to remain sane
Immersed in delusion chase the stationary
that tempts and beckons entangles and ruins.
Finding way through the labyrinth I'm sucked to the abyss
Dismal in doom I crawl and crouch to light
It flashes across and leads to noiseless interception
Secluded in self affliction a point of deception .
Thoughts navigate through.... saturate and scatter Images play silent havoc
its all in the mind twirl the smoke and regain
{PS: In an attempot to divert from work I cant seem to judge this !}
Time and again coerce to retire
Unyielding it rewinds all those memories
That blind, sting and enclose
a time warp with no begin nor end.
Oscillating between pleasure and pain
I hold on and let go to remain sane
Immersed in delusion chase the stationary
that tempts and beckons entangles and ruins.
Finding way through the labyrinth I'm sucked to the abyss
Dismal in doom I crawl and crouch to light
It flashes across and leads to noiseless interception
Secluded in self affliction a point of deception .
Thoughts navigate through.... saturate and scatter Images play silent havoc
its all in the mind twirl the smoke and regain
{PS: In an attempot to divert from work I cant seem to judge this !}
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Hold on .. Let go
Tis was mother's day on Sunday and I wished my mum gifted her a few flowering plants thought I'd make up for past misbehavior and over the top loafing spree
When I entrusted the plants to her I Said "Amma you have sown the seeds of knowledge , good thoughts and values . Let the plant blossom into a flowering tree, Don't trim it and limit its freedom . You have given it the essentials of sunlight and water let it grow away from your shade"
In all her wisdom and that twinkle in her eye she replied "Chickoo if I let the plant grow without proper care it shall grow hay wire and weeds will get entangled in it.What could be a beautiful flowering tree will look like an ordinary shrub , hence the light in my shade will make it grow stronger" .
I had nothing to say but smiled knowingly that's why they say I'm my mother's girl !
I remember when a few years ago when one of my friend's younger sister happened to be dating someone we both were scandalized and talked about it endlessly and No its not about the guy its about the fact that three yrs back when we were her age we didn't have one !
After talking about it for over an hour we just paused and heard ourselves did we just say "she's too young!" . For someone who's apparently from the same generation we didn't really approve of her young sister's dating just imagine our parents!
No sooner the thought struck our minds we fell silent understanding that mum's in their innate strength just know whats happening in out life and try as we may we cant really fool moms !
When I recollected this incident again I realized that how much we hold on to and how much we let go is independent of the person we are with its more to do about the role we play - Friend,mother,sister,girl friend....
With certain friends I generally coax them to go and explore, fall and learn for themselves. When they ask me for my opinions I ask them to go all out keeping a look out to see if they need my help. With few I'm super protective always warning them time and again, being hawk like and keeping trouble at bay !
In our desire to protect we often alienate. Everyone needs to learn from their follies and failings but more often than not we cant bear to see another repeating the same mistakes that we did hence all the free advice !
Recently my doting family friend who's a good five years younger,who solicits my advice from hairstyles to college admissions, told me that her parents know that she's dating someone and they have already met him !
Quite taken aback I just began to wonder if I'd ever have the guts to do that !
Its a different thing that I haven't really found the person who I could tell my parents about ..but still !
I just heard myself saying "Moni are you guys serious ??"
Now I don't know what did that make me look like but certainly she taught me something that day !
After a satisfactory answer I let the issue drop but I was perturbed should I ask her to hold on to her innocence or must I let her go to explore the world and spread her wings. Its a tough call ! nonetheless Amma's words resonate
You can grow in the light of my shade
PS: Happy Mother's day Amma ! thank god you dont know that I blog ! Would be a great deal of explaining if you read all the posts .
When I entrusted the plants to her I Said "Amma you have sown the seeds of knowledge , good thoughts and values . Let the plant blossom into a flowering tree, Don't trim it and limit its freedom . You have given it the essentials of sunlight and water let it grow away from your shade"
In all her wisdom and that twinkle in her eye she replied "Chickoo if I let the plant grow without proper care it shall grow hay wire and weeds will get entangled in it.What could be a beautiful flowering tree will look like an ordinary shrub , hence the light in my shade will make it grow stronger" .
I had nothing to say but smiled knowingly that's why they say I'm my mother's girl !
I remember when a few years ago when one of my friend's younger sister happened to be dating someone we both were scandalized and talked about it endlessly and No its not about the guy its about the fact that three yrs back when we were her age we didn't have one !
After talking about it for over an hour we just paused and heard ourselves did we just say "she's too young!" . For someone who's apparently from the same generation we didn't really approve of her young sister's dating just imagine our parents!
No sooner the thought struck our minds we fell silent understanding that mum's in their innate strength just know whats happening in out life and try as we may we cant really fool moms !
When I recollected this incident again I realized that how much we hold on to and how much we let go is independent of the person we are with its more to do about the role we play - Friend,mother,sister,girl friend....
With certain friends I generally coax them to go and explore, fall and learn for themselves. When they ask me for my opinions I ask them to go all out keeping a look out to see if they need my help. With few I'm super protective always warning them time and again, being hawk like and keeping trouble at bay !
In our desire to protect we often alienate. Everyone needs to learn from their follies and failings but more often than not we cant bear to see another repeating the same mistakes that we did hence all the free advice !
Recently my doting family friend who's a good five years younger,who solicits my advice from hairstyles to college admissions, told me that her parents know that she's dating someone and they have already met him !
Quite taken aback I just began to wonder if I'd ever have the guts to do that !
Its a different thing that I haven't really found the person who I could tell my parents about ..but still !
I just heard myself saying "Moni are you guys serious ??"
Now I don't know what did that make me look like but certainly she taught me something that day !
After a satisfactory answer I let the issue drop but I was perturbed should I ask her to hold on to her innocence or must I let her go to explore the world and spread her wings. Its a tough call ! nonetheless Amma's words resonate
You can grow in the light of my shade
PS: Happy Mother's day Amma ! thank god you dont know that I blog ! Would be a great deal of explaining if you read all the posts .
Monday, April 26, 2010
Vokay !!! Tis time to update
Well I really was procrastinating this updating UNTIL
I received a mail from my grand uncle who somehow
found my blog stopped by and mailed me to update my blog
Second shock was Ranjith told amudha ( i haven't spoken to either for at least a year!) about my latest blog entry ...
Hmmm and I thought No one reads my blog !
Flattering actually but not this time the previous blog wasn't exactly very pleasant .
Anyways I need to add this disclaimer I generally write quite dramatically most of the posts here may or may not have happened its just the writer's figment of hyper imagination or boredom !
Now that its done !
I'm no longer unemployed but I'm liking this as much cause first salary should be coming in a day or two ;)
Sitting at home for three months I've been really occupied doing a plethora of things. Gender sexuality debates and discussion to some soul searching particular person bashing sessions ! Dance, drama, literature and cooking , travel and writing have all existed contributing differed hues to the past three months !
I felt very alive in these months much more than my extremely adventurous life at MICA .
I felt real I guess I existed as an independent individual unattached to college or hostel, people nor friends , events nor exams, more attached to the 'moment of doing'.
So in the 'moment of doing' I have done some bit of harm actually I quite liked it !
I did go through a breakup. It was a real‘relationship’ we were fooling ourselves & when things started to take a serious turn, like all true self respecting commitment freaks, we started to withdraw ourselves. Like all contracts we had an expiry date as it neared we clung on more and didnt want to let go. Then one fine day We agreed on a mutual ‘breakup’. After several attempts that failed we said we'll be good friends forever * yeah I am 24 and he is 27 yrs old !*
Much ado with all those promises and oaths I will never ever hurt you and look at another etc etc it wasn't all nice.He moved on too fast , too quick with too much fanfare and noise ! I did all the mud slinging at him !
From Weeping to cursing and lots of ego boosting and X bf bashing !
Whew ! I finally feel fine :)
After thought: I was certainly on a different trip this time ! Tis vokay but :) we are allowed to mis behave once in a while shout & scream after all its matters of the heart or so I'd like to believe !
Disclaimer : Misbehavior includes slapping and punching on the streets until the opponent has to flee ! the other men pls think again before trial and certainly zero tolerance for errors !
I received a mail from my grand uncle who somehow
found my blog stopped by and mailed me to update my blog
Second shock was Ranjith told amudha ( i haven't spoken to either for at least a year!) about my latest blog entry ...
Hmmm and I thought No one reads my blog !
Flattering actually but not this time the previous blog wasn't exactly very pleasant .
Anyways I need to add this disclaimer I generally write quite dramatically most of the posts here may or may not have happened its just the writer's figment of hyper imagination or boredom !
Now that its done !
I'm no longer unemployed but I'm liking this as much cause first salary should be coming in a day or two ;)
Sitting at home for three months I've been really occupied doing a plethora of things. Gender sexuality debates and discussion to some soul searching particular person bashing sessions ! Dance, drama, literature and cooking , travel and writing have all existed contributing differed hues to the past three months !
I felt very alive in these months much more than my extremely adventurous life at MICA .
I felt real I guess I existed as an independent individual unattached to college or hostel, people nor friends , events nor exams, more attached to the 'moment of doing'.
So in the 'moment of doing' I have done some bit of harm actually I quite liked it !
I did go through a breakup. It was a real‘relationship’ we were fooling ourselves & when things started to take a serious turn, like all true self respecting commitment freaks, we started to withdraw ourselves. Like all contracts we had an expiry date as it neared we clung on more and didnt want to let go. Then one fine day We agreed on a mutual ‘breakup’. After several attempts that failed we said we'll be good friends forever * yeah I am 24 and he is 27 yrs old !*
Much ado with all those promises and oaths I will never ever hurt you and look at another etc etc it wasn't all nice.He moved on too fast , too quick with too much fanfare and noise ! I did all the mud slinging at him !
From Weeping to cursing and lots of ego boosting and X bf bashing !
Whew ! I finally feel fine :)
After thought: I was certainly on a different trip this time ! Tis vokay but :) we are allowed to mis behave once in a while shout & scream after all its matters of the heart or so I'd like to believe !
Disclaimer : Misbehavior includes slapping and punching on the streets until the opponent has to flee ! the other men pls think again before trial and certainly zero tolerance for errors !
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Uncomfortably numb'ed
Well I know I love writing in retro mood tis shall be yet another such post .
My hiatus from blogging happened due to lack of inspiration I presumed but I guess it happened cause I drowned myself in a happiness that began as our own and ended in misery for my own !
I was lost in a world of love and promise that life is perfect.
Forgetting that me the cynic never believed in such things in the first place.
The past year 2008 October to Dec 2009 was one the best times of my life.
Well obviously I wanted to write and keep a record but it was so action packed and fast and exciting I realised I must just bask in its glory and keep recordings for later !
Hence the Diary lays empty ....
Blog lays desolate........ but the laptop filled with images from all over ....
From Drunken stupor madness to hair raising adventure madness :)
It was amazing !
I am at a loss of words to describe my MICA experience, so many moments to cherish, so many memories to carry, so many lessons learnt
and so much love received and given.
All my writing was limited to love letters and some forcible essays from colleagues for assignments !
But my writing and understanding saw a focal change when I worked on my dissertation I gave it my all for 2 months I ate, drank , slept culture studies gender and sexuality !
In the end it felt good :) It was so satisfying that it shaped up beautifully !
mentor and panel well pleased and I super high about doing it well :)
Through the period of one year I am surprised and actually amused now ....
How did I ?
How did I cease to be Keerthana and adorned a girl friend
hat so easily and for so long ?
How did I loose my self identity ?
How come I hardly got angry with ppl even when they were highly annoying ?
How did I let him take over my life ?
How did I give in to the matters of the heart ?
How did I believe him so blindly ?
How did I follow him so faithfully ?
How could I Love so selflessly ?
The last questions daunts me the most and the answer is not something I want to know right now.
Of all the things on earth how could I give so much ..... give so much that its left me with nothing now ... so much emotions so much commitment so much passion so much dedication ... why haven't I ever seen that side of me earlier ?
I guess as corny as it sounds I was in love .... wonder if its that though !
I'm glad I felt pain ... in a sadistic way I enjoyed it ..
Denying myself of intoxication to forget it ... kept punctuating the pain so that it remains and the memories make me writhe in loathe and finally one day I discard it
to begin a new journey to destinations unexplored.
I guess its working . I am numb now ... to the pain..
to the memories that I cherish they still make me smile in a strange longing way...
I cannot feel my alarming weight loss ... depression... tears...helplessness....
I am numb to all that he says and does...
I and he together are nothing ....
non existent... period.
Its over !
A vague sense of relief ... like a calm after the storm....
a slight headache after too much alcohol I feel like that! as if its happened it has passed and its over yet something is left behind...
a piece of my mind
the peace of my heart .
Innocence lost .... beliefs shaken...ideals questioned and self respect compromised I am in a juncture where everything around me looks hazy and clear at the same time.
I have to move on . I will move on...Will I ever be the same again after that ?
Halo ... halo...
Is there anybody in there
Just thought if you could hear me..
Is there anybody ?
Come on I hear you feeling down I can ease your pain and put you on your feet again.
Relax I need some information first.
Just the basic facts can you show me where it hurts.....
There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon
You are only coming through in waves
Your lips move but I cant hear what you say ..........
This is not how I am
I.... have become comfortably numb ! floyd your god!
My hiatus from blogging happened due to lack of inspiration I presumed but I guess it happened cause I drowned myself in a happiness that began as our own and ended in misery for my own !
I was lost in a world of love and promise that life is perfect.
Forgetting that me the cynic never believed in such things in the first place.
The past year 2008 October to Dec 2009 was one the best times of my life.
Well obviously I wanted to write and keep a record but it was so action packed and fast and exciting I realised I must just bask in its glory and keep recordings for later !
Hence the Diary lays empty ....
Blog lays desolate........ but the laptop filled with images from all over ....
From Drunken stupor madness to hair raising adventure madness :)
It was amazing !
I am at a loss of words to describe my MICA experience, so many moments to cherish, so many memories to carry, so many lessons learnt
and so much love received and given.
All my writing was limited to love letters and some forcible essays from colleagues for assignments !
But my writing and understanding saw a focal change when I worked on my dissertation I gave it my all for 2 months I ate, drank , slept culture studies gender and sexuality !
In the end it felt good :) It was so satisfying that it shaped up beautifully !
mentor and panel well pleased and I super high about doing it well :)
Through the period of one year I am surprised and actually amused now ....
How did I ?
How did I cease to be Keerthana and adorned a girl friend
hat so easily and for so long ?
How did I loose my self identity ?
How come I hardly got angry with ppl even when they were highly annoying ?
How did I let him take over my life ?
How did I give in to the matters of the heart ?
How did I believe him so blindly ?
How did I follow him so faithfully ?
How could I Love so selflessly ?
The last questions daunts me the most and the answer is not something I want to know right now.
Of all the things on earth how could I give so much ..... give so much that its left me with nothing now ... so much emotions so much commitment so much passion so much dedication ... why haven't I ever seen that side of me earlier ?
I guess as corny as it sounds I was in love .... wonder if its that though !
I'm glad I felt pain ... in a sadistic way I enjoyed it ..
Denying myself of intoxication to forget it ... kept punctuating the pain so that it remains and the memories make me writhe in loathe and finally one day I discard it
to begin a new journey to destinations unexplored.
I guess its working . I am numb now ... to the pain..
to the memories that I cherish they still make me smile in a strange longing way...
I cannot feel my alarming weight loss ... depression... tears...helplessness....
I am numb to all that he says and does...
I and he together are nothing ....
non existent... period.
Its over !
A vague sense of relief ... like a calm after the storm....
a slight headache after too much alcohol I feel like that! as if its happened it has passed and its over yet something is left behind...
a piece of my mind
the peace of my heart .
Innocence lost .... beliefs shaken...ideals questioned and self respect compromised I am in a juncture where everything around me looks hazy and clear at the same time.
I have to move on . I will move on...Will I ever be the same again after that ?
Halo ... halo...
Is there anybody in there
Just thought if you could hear me..
Is there anybody ?
Come on I hear you feeling down I can ease your pain and put you on your feet again.
Relax I need some information first.
Just the basic facts can you show me where it hurts.....
There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon
You are only coming through in waves
Your lips move but I cant hear what you say ..........
This is not how I am
I.... have become comfortably numb ! floyd your god!
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Im back...
Well I was obsessing about how to re launch my life
in its wide spectrum of shades .... dance ... career...my dramatic personal life ...
I planned I would take a whole day to ramble about all that's been happening.
Inspirations ..... Idiocracy
Depression desperation
love... pain.... hope.... fear.......
Beguiled and naive I pranced around thinking that certain
things would never happen to me.
Ironically all the never will happen list seems to be quite expansive and most of them are ticked for they have happened.
Ever since New Year I'm caught in a whirlwind of emotions
laughing and crying in the same minute ....
cursing, loathing regretting within that same minute.
Impulsive, brash and stupid have I been to chase a dream that now stops to seem as perfect and rosy tinted as I assumed it to be.
A dream is a your version of reality and Im thinking that certainly is not the version !
The past one and half months have brought out the feminine side
of me that I never knew existed (the tolerance , patience , fighting woman spirit,acceptance , stupidity,loosing control)
It has also brought the completely erratic streak (ya that crazy trip ! an adventure tale) that I feared was dormant ...
I felt the blows of depression ... of irritation and hopelessness but
somehow I just knew that its not going to last...
and I kept telling myself that this too shall pass......
It has passed.
I have survived yet again .
I am sure I will be happy .
I will learn to live and love,
Learn to be mad and wild yet again,
I will learn to trust and believe ,
Learn to forget and forgive !
I am almost there .... almost through the process of mortification (or whatever!)
Cant help but smile when I think of 3 idiots all izz well all izz well!!! lol :)
Sometimes stupidity and silly things seem to be the best
way to deal with blows and falls.
I have to say that it has been yet another
learning lesson in the narrative of my life .
And I'm glad it happened else I would have never known what not being happy felt like .... I would have never felt all these emotions that stir and move ...that make you weep and sigh !
Thanks Babuly for adding a different hue to my life ...
I have been gifted shades anew ...
This has only made me stronger and soon I will happier :)
PS: To all my friends who have helped me through this ... mmmwah loweee you loads :)
in its wide spectrum of shades .... dance ... career...my dramatic personal life ...
I planned I would take a whole day to ramble about all that's been happening.
Inspirations ..... Idiocracy
Depression desperation
love... pain.... hope.... fear.......
Beguiled and naive I pranced around thinking that certain
things would never happen to me.
Ironically all the never will happen list seems to be quite expansive and most of them are ticked for they have happened.
Ever since New Year I'm caught in a whirlwind of emotions
laughing and crying in the same minute ....
cursing, loathing regretting within that same minute.
Impulsive, brash and stupid have I been to chase a dream that now stops to seem as perfect and rosy tinted as I assumed it to be.
A dream is a your version of reality and Im thinking that certainly is not the version !
The past one and half months have brought out the feminine side
of me that I never knew existed (the tolerance , patience , fighting woman spirit,acceptance , stupidity,loosing control)
It has also brought the completely erratic streak (ya that crazy trip ! an adventure tale) that I feared was dormant ...
I felt the blows of depression ... of irritation and hopelessness but
somehow I just knew that its not going to last...
and I kept telling myself that this too shall pass......
It has passed.
I have survived yet again .
I am sure I will be happy .
I will learn to live and love,
Learn to be mad and wild yet again,
I will learn to trust and believe ,
Learn to forget and forgive !
I am almost there .... almost through the process of mortification (or whatever!)
Cant help but smile when I think of 3 idiots all izz well all izz well!!! lol :)
Sometimes stupidity and silly things seem to be the best
way to deal with blows and falls.
I have to say that it has been yet another
learning lesson in the narrative of my life .
And I'm glad it happened else I would have never known what not being happy felt like .... I would have never felt all these emotions that stir and move ...that make you weep and sigh !
Thanks Babuly for adding a different hue to my life ...
I have been gifted shades anew ...
This has only made me stronger and soon I will happier :)
PS: To all my friends who have helped me through this ... mmmwah loweee you loads :)
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